The judgment

This late 20th and early 21st century culture, that prides itself on its “diversity is inclusivity” banners and its sensitivity training workshops and awareness weeks…


…. later generations, centuries from now, will marvel at this peculiarly rigid intolerance and this marked emotional cruelty.


And that will be just.

Why Egotistical / Self-centered/ Selfish People are so Annoying

There are many types, but as an almost-30-year-old-female in Academia, the one I run across the most often is the 20-or-30-something male, fragile and self-important and sensitive. (He is fully aware of how different he is from the inferior males so unlike himself—-those evil jocks and yokels.) And for all these reasons, he thinks that most females exist to cater to his needs. He whines and demands, and we (naturally) should take care of him, show how impressed we are by him, and maybe (maybe) date him.

Something in me twitches in rage…

But then it occurred to me… they are just treating us like we are their doting mother. And where have I seen this behavior before? The unreflective self-centeredness that demanded your emotional encouragement? That unquestioningly expected you to cater to their needs?

It’s the sweetest, most endearing thing in a little 3 year old child. Selfishness in a child is such a loveable thing–the way they demand love, demand live, and cling to you unquestioningly as a benevolent deity.

So these males aren’t awful. They are just behaving like children.

So why do I love it so much in kids and hate it so much in men? OK, so maybe they aren’t a man like John Wayne (our society has been lionizing protest so much that it’s veered into whining), but what is wrong with me? Why all this hatred?

This sounds terrible — but I hate them because I feel sorry for them. Somewhere in the recesses of my dysfunctional guilty self, I think I ‘owe’ it to every pathetic guy to cheer him up. And I don’t want to, so as a rather ill-chosen self-defense-mechanism against my own dysfunctional conscience — I resort to rage and hate. I need to, so that I don’t pity them too much.

The thing is, egotism and selfishness is in all of us. And it is directly correlated to insecurity. The more we (deep down) don’t love/respect/treasure ourselves, the more we express egotism/selfishness/self-centeredness. The thirsty man snatches the water gourd in the desert — the well-filled man does not. Those starved on love will demand it from others. That is why little kids are so demanding–they are new in this universe, so desperate for love.

God gave us a craving for unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. For someone who loves you more than the universe, and you know it deep down.

It’s not that selfish/egotist types are still kids. The problem is they don’t know, deep down, that they are kids. God’s kids. There is a place for demanding love and attention and respect and support. But not from females (or males), but from God. Go to him and plead and demand. He’s your father and you are his kid. The realest kid. Ask him to show you he loves you, to put his love for you in you, to let your see yourself through his eyes — eyes that see all your weaknesses and failings and precious specialness and love you more.

Be your kid self to God. And then you will be good to other people.

[PS Yes, I know I can be quite the egotist too, and a female “mansplainer” to boot. Mea culpa.]

Subchorionic Hemorrhage

Someone I love is going through a subchorionic hemorrhage right now. She’s bleeding excessively.

Please pray for her life, and the life of fetus inside her womb (it’s 11 weeks old, and waved at the ultrasound).

Most of all pray for her heart. She’s in pain.

Even if you aren’t the praying type, please send up a prayer for her. Thank you, very much.


Doing and Asking

Some things (like writing fiction) seem so mystical and spontaneous. Then I do something like NaNoWriMo, which seems just too simplistic — they say you can write more and better just by doing it. For the first week, it’s hard, and 200 words take an hour or more to put down. But when you keep trying, suddenly, poof, your brain gets used to it, and then it flows. Who knew something as mystical as writing could be a Muse-on-tap, where just by the act of doing, it begins to come. All that it takes is persistent doing.

The same is often true of music, and of art, and even forgiving-and-not-fighting-with-siblings. Maybe even gratitude is like that, though I don’t know.

I don’t do in a methodical daily way. I’m a binger with everything — friends, homework, writing, painting–praying. I don’t persistently plod away at the Protestant “quiet times” like I should.

Another thing — “You have not, because you ask not.” My mom always told me, that if you hated someone and couldn’t stop though you tried–the answer was more simple than you knew. You just had to ask God to forgive them and love them through you, it always happened. Anything good that you needed to do, ask God to do it through you, and He would. He is a river of infinite love, so just ask for some and let go. “Don’t try; just ask.” He could do it through you. You just had to ask.

I decided to write up a list of daily prayers that I will say first thing in the morning. I need to get in the habit of doing, asking, and asking to do. I have anxiety dreams several times a week, which isn’t the best way to start your day. I think my pride and fear are at the root of it, so this is what I’m going to say first thing in the morning:

“God take away my pride, and give me confidence and peace and gentle humility. Let me see myself as I really am — but gently. (You know how much I can bear.)

And let me see others through your eyes. Let me  be your conduit: love people through me, especially myself.

Carry all those I love, carry the fears I have for them, carry them all in your heart. I entrust all that I love and all whom I love to your beating heart, O Jesus.”

Lead me from death

“Lead me from death to Life, from falsehood to Truth. Lead me from despair to hope, from fear to trust. Lead me from hate to love, from war to peace. Let peace fill our hearts, our world, our universe. Let us dream together, pray together, work together, to build one world of peace and justice for all.”
~ Mother Teresa

Internet Quotes


  • All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God.
  • We must continually remind ourselves of the purpose of life. We are not destined to happiness, or to health, but to holiness.
  • No love of the human heart is safe unless it has been satisfied by God first.
  • Beware at looking back at what you once were, when God wants you to become someone you’ve never been.
  • When a man is at his wits end it is not a cowardly thing to pray. It is the only way he can get in touch with reality.
  • Worry is an indication that we think God cannot look after us.
  • Prayer does not fit us for the great work – prayer is the great work.
  • Pray with your eyes on God – not on the difficulties.
  • When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message.
  • If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything – it is a delight.
  • Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the one who is leading.
  • Have you been asking God what he is going to do? He will never tell you. God does not tell you what He is going to do. He reveals to you who He is.
  • Let the past sleep, but let it sleep on the bosom of Christ, and go out into the irresistible future with Him.
  • Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.

–Oswald Chambers


Ahsoka Music Video

This is an excellent music video that you should watch right now even if you never watch the Clone Wars TV show. The premise is that the heroine is being hunted down by her own organization, and her mentor is trying to protect her while still obeying orders. They have a younger sister/ older brother relationship, and they are both trying to do what is right when the organization they gave their life to is disappointingly flawed.


My new theme song

My theme song for last month was Mat Kearney’s Air I breathe which I heard on the radio at pandora. I listened to it every morning on loop, so several hundred times total or so. It was about surrendering to God. You are the war that I can’t win, here is my white flag in the wind!

This month’s theme song is Tenth Avenue’s Strong enough to save:

You fought
but you were just too weak
so you lost
all the things you try to keep…

now is not too late
lift up your head
let the rain fall on your face


How long

If all you want is love, and all is fair in love and war…. you will find yourself at the bottom of the pit, clawing your way over others to seize your own chance at romantic happiness.

It ends in heartache, shame, and betrayal.

How long before people admit that the progressive dismantling of traditional sexual morality has produced… well, we know what it has produced. This isn’t even a matter of picking the rose that withers. It’s worse than that. For the silver cord is severed, and the golden bowl is broken; the pitcher is shattered at the fountain, and the wheel broken at the well….

Please don’t go down that path. Please get off that path. For the frenzied gods of love lead only to ruination and despair.

Return to the fountain at the edge of the world.

“Come, all you who are thirsty,
    come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
    come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
    without money and without cost.

For I will pour water on the thirsty land,
    and streams on the dry ground...

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
    your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
    for I have redeemed you.”