hating ourselves

There was someone I loved who had been deeply hurt. They had been blameless, but such things destroy one’s own sense of worth. Behind a locked door, I would hear them speaking loudly with loathing at their reflection in the mirror, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.”

I would start shouting and banging on the locked door. It hurt far more than if they had said they hated me…

That isn’t the end of the story: there was therapy and prayer…and healing that still comes, slowly and in fits and starts, like the spring. I bring this up now to illustrate another point:

When you hate yourself, you hurt those who love you, even more than if you had hated them. Because they love you, and it hurts them to see anyone hate you, because you are the one they love.

So for the sake of those who love you, do not hate yourself. Because many do love you, more than they can express sometimes. Especially God. He treasures you, though the ill things of this world will make us blind and deaf to it. I remember seeing my newborn sister, lying under the the flourescent lights, naked and screaming, in the glass basinet as the nurses walked professionally by, entering things into a computer and taking blood tests. It went on for half an hour. I was standing outside in the hall–I plastered myself to the thick glass, and sang my heart out in lullabies, staring at her through the glass. I knew she couldn’t hear me–the glass was too thick. God is like that with us sometimes. The glass of this world is thick, but He watches, heart pounding, singing through the glass. Sometimes we hear Him, most of the time we don’t. But He is there.

Anyway, when He stands there, looking through the glass, singing to you, so do not hurt yourself. Do not despise yourself. Do not hate yourself.

For God’s sake: love yourself.

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2 thoughts on “hating ourselves

  1. I have just found your blog! thank you for all of these wonderful rantings. beautiful.

    on hating yourself….. i have just recently discovered the depth and darkness that hating yourself can bring. how not knowing yourself can make you sink far down from where you need to be, it can make you stand on a ledge between this pit of lies and the possibilities that truth and love and real life bring with it. we should talk soon. i recently went to confession. While on the March for life, actually. it’s part of my story, you know… it hit me. what he said came to be part of my story. he spent thrity minutes describing the Passion in detail. but i didn’t want to hear it… i was being hard and cold and stubborn. i said “where is all this going?” he said “let me finish” then he spent another thirty minutes telling me over and over, in every different way he could imagine that, well, “i was worth it.” i was worth it. i was worth all of it. lovable. that God. God did all that for me. he would have done all of that, just for me. and when i left that Basilica that night and was on the metro and got back to the hotel. it started to hit me. all those things he said. and it hurt. and now im home. and i am starting to see. this is me. with everything i’ve been. everything i am. i’m beautiful. i’m lovable. i’m worth it. to God. i am learning to love myself all over again. like i was innocent all over again. and it’s a gift to have friends like you. Who have been able to show me that love, that same beauty, worth, dignity.

    anyways… i’m gonna be reading your blog. its pretty awesome. love you
    anna

  2. Yes! Oh, Anna! I’m so glad. Jesus is wonderful like that. I’m so glad you are too–friendship is a gift both ways. I’ll be home march 10-15, and we must meet up!

    And thanks for reading my blog–it's an honor to me. 🙂

    I love you. ❤

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