This was a diary entry from a long, long time ago. It was too personal to post then, but enough time has passed that I think it is worth posting now, in the possible event that it might help someone in a similar situation. As you can see it was written in the middle of a complicated situation, and there was some hyperbole and over-the-top self-hatred in it, but also some truth in it too.
I’m trying to find my way out of this swamp. The air is thick with gases, and the light is growing dim. The bats are flying into my face, I’m damp and sticky from the sweat, and my stomach and my heart are sick.
What I have learned:
(1) I do not love people. I love my ideals of people. That is not love.
(2) I hurt people with my admiration and my disillusioned contempt/anger. That is not good for them.
(3) Sometimes, there is no ‘honorable way’ in a situation. Sometimes, you must realize that yes, whatever you do will be cruel, and part of you wants to be cruel, and you don’t want to be that way, but there is still no option open to your action that will not be tainted to some degree by dishonorable motives. (e.g. desire to change another human being and ‘have’ them, desire to possess, desire to be flattered, desire to let them feel the way they made you feel–which is pain). In such messy situations, forget about your own honor. That too must die. Just do what will cause others (and yourself) the least damage, the least harm. Sometimes the least-harm option is also the more-pain option. So be it. Better they suffer now in heartbreak, then end up a miserable adulterer or divorcee later.
Anyway, in the long run, that option will probably be more pain too. You know….calculating eternity into the mix.
God help me. I’m so tired. I don’t understand why I am in so much pain. I am ashamed I am a leach who lives off the kindness of others, the friend who is the charity case. So be it. Give me strength, my dear God.