I wrote this several years ago, enough water has passed under the bridge that I figure I can publish it now:
When you love someone you cannot have.
I’m not talking about the trials of courtship and the dating game, when you love someone you don’t have but maybe you could someday have…. You might be pining in unrequited love now, but the possibility is there that all adversities will be overcome and barriers melt away, to a swelling orchestral score and kissing in the rain, right before the credits roll.
I’m talking about someone that you know you can never have. When the law of God and of Charity is in the way. When they are your gender, or are already bound by an oath to someone else, or bound to God by an oath of celibacy, or when there is something fundamentally incompatible with your personalities that you know that marriage is impossible (e.g. you know they they are not capable of keeping the dreadful oath that they are willing to swear now).
I guess this is something that those struggling with same-sex attraction have to fight so many times. Many of us go through this. The truth is, there are far more people in this world that you can not have than those you can. And you will fall in love.
And I’m not talking about mere animal attraction, or sexual desire (which is no mean thing, it is after all the desire to embrace and to bring a new life into the world together). I’m not even talking about emotional romance. I’m talking about when you fall in love with their person. Their very self, everything that is uniquely and dearly them.
That awe and wonder you feel at their very existence. A glory and a joy in them. And a yearning to be with them, to spend your life in their company, to see their face. A kind of homesickness, an intense longing for them themself. To pour out your own self too….
I guess…what we are yearning for is not…actually sexual at all. I doubt sex would really be that communion, that sharing of being, that we truly long for. It is really a…yearning for them to be completely and fully themself, complete in God. And us complete in God. And all of us, together, rejoicing in God, together. To be one in the beatific vision, rejoicing as One Body of Christ, before the face of God.
But to get there….it means rejecting that desire here. You will be bad for them now, when things are not clear, when the flesh still drags us to that particular love. It will, for that is the bent of our being, on this earth. We are flawed now, fallen. Must be on our guard, must die to self.
Heavenly Jerusalem! With the saints we will wait, for that final consummation of love forevermore.