ups and downs

It is weird how it works. Sometimes I can map my mental/emotional state onto hormones or stress levels, but then, sometimes I can’t. When the stress is low and the hormones non-fluctuating and by all rights I should be level–and kaboom, some of the most intense emotional drops, where I doubt God and goodness and myself. You feel like curling into a fetal position, while your world is collapsing around you and nothing is as it seems.

Perhaps in eternity, it will be clear–either finally there I will fully understand neurochemistry, or perhaps then I’ll see the correlations to what was going on in the spiritual realms far outside our sphere–wars and battles raging, with some after-effects on us halflings. Or perhaps both.

Last night I had one of those I’m-dissolving-everything-good-is-a-lie-I-have-nothing-left-God-help-me. Somewhere in middle of the night, I was begging Jesus for help. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore. Then, half asleep, I told him I trusted him with everyone/thing I loved, including goodness itself. Then I drifted off. This morning, it was ok. Nothing has really changed, but suddenly I am alright. In a few more days I know I’ll be skipping around happy as a clam.

He comes through like that. Wars in the heavens outside of our spacetime, and biochemistry in my brain; both too enormous and too infinitesimal for me to know. We are caught between, like little halflings in the Shire, but more bizarre. I guess we hang between dimensions, peculiar and stupendous hybrids, wretched and infinitely priceless, us angel-demon-microbe creatures who need milk and air and light.


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