Give him the desires of your heart

Delight yourself in the LORD, and give Him the desires of your heart.

When it comes down to it, I just have to trust that God is my Father, and that he loves me as much as my human father does, and that he knows all the desires of my heart, so it is safe with him.

I keep not trusting God with my ideals or loves or desires (e.g. does God understand about my pain at not wanting to see American Democracy devolving into tyrannical mob rule , or beautiful patriotism devolve into misoxenist isolationist fascism? Does God care as much about the Iraqi people and the Kurds as I think he should? Can I trust him with my ideals of holiness and beauty and fidelity and mercy, and let him call the shots? Does God know I really want to be a mom? Does God care about my friends more than me? Does God know all my childish dreams that I really really want?)

The answer to all those things is “yes”.

When prayers aren’t answered, I doubt him. I doubt he cares that much about my friends, that he hasn’t heard their suffering and given them healing and husbands and careers and babies and triumph. I doubt he cares about Iraq as much as I do, or America, or Freedom, or Holiness, or starving babies, or lonely ostracised boys lured into death gangs, or idealistic young boys lured into violent religious extremism and defiled with innocent blood. It is so easy to cry about all these things, and rage against God.

And feel sorry for myself too. There are so many things I want (not just for others, but for myself). I want a career, a husband and a clan of children, a film company, a electronic university (e.g. an open-access digital scholarly community). Oh, and sometimes I want to be a missionary, or a preacher (I’m a conservative woman with tendencies to egotism, so that’s a no-go there too).

I need to trust God with the desires of my heart.


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