Taking stock

I can’t go on like this.I have spent the last 10 years in academia, and I am so afraid. For ten years, I’ve been afraid of expulsion, of ostracism, of being “discovered” and thrown out by people I care about.

Because according to the current Intellectual Cultural Consensus — and every age has one — I know they would think me despicable and/or repulsive. I’m a traditional Christian, of the evangelical and neo-Conservative (e.g. George W Bush) variety, anti-communist, anti-statist, and anti-progressive, which, as far as the Intellectual Cultural Consensus  is concerned, makes me some sort of equivalent of a Nazi or worse.

I’ve watched others be silenced, fired, intimidated, and ostracized. They say it isn’t happening, but it is. I’ve seen the intense contempt that loving, nice, smart people will pour indiscriminately on my kind. I feel sometimes like Samuel ibn Naghrilla, or the token Jew in the court of Xerxes, or the beloved house slave on the plantation, who will — as long as I remain likeable and deferential — maintain my friends & station, but that loophole begins and ends with me. Period. And — at any moment — it could change.

Look. For all my mixed emotions and complaints, I love Academia. I love the books. I love the nerdy pursuit of truth through questioning, debate, and analysis. And I love some of the people very much. But I can’t live in this constant state of tension any longer. I wish I could say it was all a misunderstanding, or my own paranoid fears, baseless. But it is not. And I am very afraid. And very tired.

And I’m tired of currying favor at the court, and pretending to them that I do not mind, and pretending ‘yes I am fine, and I am so fine yippee.’

I can’t go on like this. Maybe it is time to quit. I would like find a place far away, a place with a farm or an orphanage. Maybe Africa, somewhere, I don’t know. A place where, if the people who liked me knew everything about me, they’d still like me. I would like to be with people who will always see me as a person who is free to think what I think is true.

Please pray for me. Please pray that God will give me wisdom.

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2 thoughts on “Taking stock

  1. So sorry to hear you’ve been having such a hard time 😦 not sure what to tell you except for me it felt like it’s just a continuation of grad school. What Phil’s advisor told him was that if you don’t like being in grad school then it’s best not to go into academics. Even in a conservative state it seems the liberal ideals are permeating and it makes me really sad. But you really should look into christian speculative fiction writing 🙂

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