Tag Archives: cramming

Stress and Russian Chants and Idiots

I know I am stressed because I feel super-cranky with the whole world, my head feels squashed, and I can’t concentrate.

I am trying to study physics, work through calculus problems, write a paper, and NOT think about heart-breaking Dostoevsky novels…
Yup, I read part of the Idiot. Ouch. Sob. Sob.

I have Rachmaninoff’s vespers on full blast. These ancient Russian church chants help me sleep when I have insomnia, help me get up in the morning when I am sleepy, and help me study when I can’t, and help me to not be stressed, and help me not to be cranky. The worse I feel, the higher the volume. Right now I have it on full blast, cranked all the way up.

But now I start thinking about the meaning of life…russia…orthodox church….dostoevsky…the Idiot.

I want to cry and think about the Idiot and wander around the backyard barefoot, staring at the stars with my 16yrold sister and talk about the meaning of life….

Grievances with the world
1. Penn shouldn’t have finals.
2. I have to go on a field trip tomorrow and its really dumb and write a stupid paper
3. I know I am gettinga C in a class b/c I am a curmudgeon and the class stinks
3. Doestevsky wrote such a emotionally moving and disturbing novel
4. Why did Myshkin have to be so good so that you can’t help caring about him?!
5. Why ON EARTH did Aglaya have to chase Myshkin
6. Why did he fall for her???
7. Why didn’t Rogojin get run over by a train before he destroys everyone else with his psycho love that is worse than hatred??”
8. WHY ON EARTH did Nastasia run away from Myshkin!!!!!!!!!!!!???
9. Why did Nastasia treat him like that!!!!!
10. Why did Myshkin have to be deceived/fall for such a rotten group of people.
11. Why did he fall in love with the Aglaya!
12. Why are all the russians so UNSTABLE when they fall in love?!
13. Why Why Why Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
14. Why did Dostoevsky have to write that story and then die so I can’t even ask him about it!!!!!!
15. Why did all those internet people put it the Idiot on the web so this idiot could read it so easily??????????????????
16. Why did Dostoevsky make you care about imaginary people so much and love them and then make them all psycho and die so that readers will get psycho too and and….